It's been a little over a month since we lost our third pregnancy. I'm feeling better everyday, time does help you heal, to a certain extent. I'm trying to make myself better... or I just try to block it out and focus on the here and now. We did finally get my chromosome tests back last week, I tested normal. Alex go's to get blood taken this week for his testing. If all is normal, Doc O is going to refer us to Southeastern Fertility clinic. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there!
I should have written this right after it happend but, I didn't so I'll write it now...
The week of our miscarriage was my birthday week, my surgery was on Monday 10/4 and my birthday was Friday 10/8. So when I should be excited and celebrating with my friends and family; I was sad and heartbroken... But, My husband and wonderful friends refused to let me be sad on my birthday, they threw me an awesome surprise birthday party!
He took me out to dinner at one of my favorite places - Carabbas!! Then he suggested we go bowling with some friends of ours. So, we headed to the bowling alley and when we got there much to my surprise, all of our closets friends and family were waiting there to surprise me! It was the best birthday I have ever had. You never realize how many people love and care about you, until you have them all in one place - hugging you and telling you 'happy birthday' and that they are there for you, no matter what life throws in your lap! It was wonderful, we bowled and laughed and had some cocktails! it was wonderful, and for a night I escaped!!
to my dear friends and family: Thank you so much for that, it meant more to me than anyone will ever know!!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Letting go...
Yesterday, I didn't want to get out of bed. I would have been totally content with not getting out of bed for the rest of the week really... But, I can't do that. I have Faithy, she still needs me to be a functioning human being and she needs me to take care of her. She stayed with my mom and I at home yesterday because she started running a fever late monday night. So, her week is not going so great either. Poor kid! My whole point is, I got out of bed. I actually felt proud of that. Though, all I really did was take Faith to a doctors appointment and pick up her prescriptions afterwords. I got up...
Yesterday evening, I decided my husband was the one who really needed to be 'taken care of' so, instead of him making dinner like usual, I decided I wanted to try a new kind of shake n' bake (i know, impressive!) and so I cooked for him. While I was preparing things in the kitchen he sat and talked with me. I asked him about his day, then I told him about ours. He noticed I was still wearing the hospital braclet, and he asked me why? I didn't really have an answer but, all I knew is I needed it on my wrist for a little longer. He looked at me and immediantly I wanted to start sobing. He said "you need to let it go..." he got the scissors out and said "I'll take it off for you..." he cut it, and I felt overwhelming saddness. Then he turned around and wiped away our dry erase board of signifigant baby feats - we had set such small goals..1st round of clomid, ovulate, positive pregnancy test, 1st prenatal visit, etc. I had even put up our 1st ultrasond photos on the fridge next to it. He took it all and put it in an envelope and just said it again "we have to let it go... we are never going to get better with all these reminders." I felt terrible, I didn't want to let anything go. We had just lost our baby less than a day ago...
Yesterday evening, I decided my husband was the one who really needed to be 'taken care of' so, instead of him making dinner like usual, I decided I wanted to try a new kind of shake n' bake (i know, impressive!) and so I cooked for him. While I was preparing things in the kitchen he sat and talked with me. I asked him about his day, then I told him about ours. He noticed I was still wearing the hospital braclet, and he asked me why? I didn't really have an answer but, all I knew is I needed it on my wrist for a little longer. He looked at me and immediantly I wanted to start sobing. He said "you need to let it go..." he got the scissors out and said "I'll take it off for you..." he cut it, and I felt overwhelming saddness. Then he turned around and wiped away our dry erase board of signifigant baby feats - we had set such small goals..1st round of clomid, ovulate, positive pregnancy test, 1st prenatal visit, etc. I had even put up our 1st ultrasond photos on the fridge next to it. He took it all and put it in an envelope and just said it again "we have to let it go... we are never going to get better with all these reminders." I felt terrible, I didn't want to let anything go. We had just lost our baby less than a day ago...
Monday, October 4, 2010
Goodbye's are so hard...
My name is karly cortes. The reason I am writing this blog is because I was inspired today, by Lauren. She is the mother of the extraordinary baby boy, who only graced this earth for 40 short minutes on October 8th 2009, which also happens to be the day of my birth as well. So, not only am I honored to share this Birthday with baby Johnathan, who has helped and continues to help so many people. I have been blessed to be able to read about his life in his Mommy's tummy, his birthday and the healing of his wonderful family after his passing. I have found so much inspiration in his journey, that I feel the need to share ours...
Today, we said goodbye, again... for the third time. We were 8 weeks pregnant this time, and sadly we never got to hear the amazing thumping of our child's heart. Again, all over again for the third time in the past four years. We are on our way to the hospital for another surgery that will take our precious son or daughter who we are never going to hold in our arms... it's just not fair! I know that's so childish to say but, at this moment, that is just how I feel. I believe in God, I trust in him fully and trust that everything he does is for a divine purpose. though, I may not know that purpose, I hope to one day understand this all better.
I feel as if I am going insane. I just knew, I knew everything was fine this time. I felt different, I was experiencing all the symptoms that never showed up the first two pregnancy's that both ended in miscarriage.(or showed up very shortly, only to end as abruptly as they came.) My hcg levels were rising beautifully, I had been in at 5 wks to see an ultrasound of exactly what we were told we should be seeing, I was taking my all my vitamins and my progesterone. I was so prepared to make sure this time, was the time! - I just can't explain to anyone fully, how so unbelievably overwhelmed with grief we both were, when we saw no heartbeat on the monitor at our 7 wk appointment. I thought for sure, my dates must be wrong; something is wrong! I feel great; it's all there - nausea, sleepiness, mood swings, breast tenderness, sensitive to all smells! I'm pregnant and I just know I will have a baby in 9 months. Just like all our friends who happened to get pregnant right at the same time as we did. I was so excited, this had to be it for us. surely we have suffered enough heartache with the first 2 loses and then we tried for 7 months for this baby. It was the right time, we're married and this is what we had been preparing our lives for, this is what we wanted so much... so why was it taken away so soon once again? I feel so helpless. I feel like I am betraying God by asking 'why?'. But, I can't help myself... It's crazy really; I have been blessed in so many ways in ths life, I'm stupid to udder the word 'why'... but I'm just angry and terribly sad. i have no idea what to do with myself...
We have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, her name is Faith. I had her when I was very young. She was truly my gift from God, she saved me. so I know I have been greatly blessed in this life. my husband and I have been together since she was 15 months old, so she is as much his - as she is mine. He is her world, and he feels the same about her. This fact alone is a Divine blessing from God. He sent us a man, that has promised to love us both no matter what. But, something is missing... We want desperately to have another child. We want to give our daughter a baby brother or sister. We want to give our parents another grandchild... You may think we are being selfish and that we should be happy to have one child already. I don't know, maybe that's how we should feel. We want a baby... something that my husband and I created, together. A little bit of him and a little bit of me, in a little person whom we created from this wonderful love we have with eachother...
I'm just a little lost right now, as I'm sure everyone can understand. we appreciate every single prayer that's being sent up to heaven for our baby today. we also cant say enough about how much it's meant to my husband, my daughter and I that all of our friends and family have been there for us, and praying for us through this pregnancy and our loss.
I don't know who will read this, but i needed to say it... in some way. Thank you Johnathan for giving me the courage...
what a birthday week................ :(
" A person is a person, no matter how small..." -Dr.Suess
karly
Today, we said goodbye, again... for the third time. We were 8 weeks pregnant this time, and sadly we never got to hear the amazing thumping of our child's heart. Again, all over again for the third time in the past four years. We are on our way to the hospital for another surgery that will take our precious son or daughter who we are never going to hold in our arms... it's just not fair! I know that's so childish to say but, at this moment, that is just how I feel. I believe in God, I trust in him fully and trust that everything he does is for a divine purpose. though, I may not know that purpose, I hope to one day understand this all better.
I feel as if I am going insane. I just knew, I knew everything was fine this time. I felt different, I was experiencing all the symptoms that never showed up the first two pregnancy's that both ended in miscarriage.(or showed up very shortly, only to end as abruptly as they came.) My hcg levels were rising beautifully, I had been in at 5 wks to see an ultrasound of exactly what we were told we should be seeing, I was taking my all my vitamins and my progesterone. I was so prepared to make sure this time, was the time! - I just can't explain to anyone fully, how so unbelievably overwhelmed with grief we both were, when we saw no heartbeat on the monitor at our 7 wk appointment. I thought for sure, my dates must be wrong; something is wrong! I feel great; it's all there - nausea, sleepiness, mood swings, breast tenderness, sensitive to all smells! I'm pregnant and I just know I will have a baby in 9 months. Just like all our friends who happened to get pregnant right at the same time as we did. I was so excited, this had to be it for us. surely we have suffered enough heartache with the first 2 loses and then we tried for 7 months for this baby. It was the right time, we're married and this is what we had been preparing our lives for, this is what we wanted so much... so why was it taken away so soon once again? I feel so helpless. I feel like I am betraying God by asking 'why?'. But, I can't help myself... It's crazy really; I have been blessed in so many ways in ths life, I'm stupid to udder the word 'why'... but I'm just angry and terribly sad. i have no idea what to do with myself...
We have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, her name is Faith. I had her when I was very young. She was truly my gift from God, she saved me. so I know I have been greatly blessed in this life. my husband and I have been together since she was 15 months old, so she is as much his - as she is mine. He is her world, and he feels the same about her. This fact alone is a Divine blessing from God. He sent us a man, that has promised to love us both no matter what. But, something is missing... We want desperately to have another child. We want to give our daughter a baby brother or sister. We want to give our parents another grandchild... You may think we are being selfish and that we should be happy to have one child already. I don't know, maybe that's how we should feel. We want a baby... something that my husband and I created, together. A little bit of him and a little bit of me, in a little person whom we created from this wonderful love we have with eachother...
I'm just a little lost right now, as I'm sure everyone can understand. we appreciate every single prayer that's being sent up to heaven for our baby today. we also cant say enough about how much it's meant to my husband, my daughter and I that all of our friends and family have been there for us, and praying for us through this pregnancy and our loss.
I don't know who will read this, but i needed to say it... in some way. Thank you Johnathan for giving me the courage...
what a birthday week................ :(
" A person is a person, no matter how small..." -Dr.Suess
karly
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