My name is karly cortes. The reason I am writing this blog is because I was inspired today, by Lauren. She is the mother of the extraordinary baby boy, who only graced this earth for 40 short minutes on October 8th 2009, which also happens to be the day of my birth as well. So, not only am I honored to share this Birthday with baby Johnathan, who has helped and continues to help so many people. I have been blessed to be able to read about his life in his Mommy's tummy, his birthday and the healing of his wonderful family after his passing. I have found so much inspiration in his journey, that I feel the need to share ours...
Today, we said goodbye, again... for the third time. We were 8 weeks pregnant this time, and sadly we never got to hear the amazing thumping of our child's heart. Again, all over again for the third time in the past four years. We are on our way to the hospital for another surgery that will take our precious son or daughter who we are never going to hold in our arms... it's just not fair! I know that's so childish to say but, at this moment, that is just how I feel. I believe in God, I trust in him fully and trust that everything he does is for a divine purpose. though, I may not know that purpose, I hope to one day understand this all better.
I feel as if I am going insane. I just knew, I knew everything was fine this time. I felt different, I was experiencing all the symptoms that never showed up the first two pregnancy's that both ended in miscarriage.(or showed up very shortly, only to end as abruptly as they came.) My hcg levels were rising beautifully, I had been in at 5 wks to see an ultrasound of exactly what we were told we should be seeing, I was taking my all my vitamins and my progesterone. I was so prepared to make sure this time, was the time! - I just can't explain to anyone fully, how so unbelievably overwhelmed with grief we both were, when we saw no heartbeat on the monitor at our 7 wk appointment. I thought for sure, my dates must be wrong; something is wrong! I feel great; it's all there - nausea, sleepiness, mood swings, breast tenderness, sensitive to all smells! I'm pregnant and I just know I will have a baby in 9 months. Just like all our friends who happened to get pregnant right at the same time as we did. I was so excited, this had to be it for us. surely we have suffered enough heartache with the first 2 loses and then we tried for 7 months for this baby. It was the right time, we're married and this is what we had been preparing our lives for, this is what we wanted so much... so why was it taken away so soon once again? I feel so helpless. I feel like I am betraying God by asking 'why?'. But, I can't help myself... It's crazy really; I have been blessed in so many ways in ths life, I'm stupid to udder the word 'why'... but I'm just angry and terribly sad. i have no idea what to do with myself...
We have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, her name is Faith. I had her when I was very young. She was truly my gift from God, she saved me. so I know I have been greatly blessed in this life. my husband and I have been together since she was 15 months old, so she is as much his - as she is mine. He is her world, and he feels the same about her. This fact alone is a Divine blessing from God. He sent us a man, that has promised to love us both no matter what. But, something is missing... We want desperately to have another child. We want to give our daughter a baby brother or sister. We want to give our parents another grandchild... You may think we are being selfish and that we should be happy to have one child already. I don't know, maybe that's how we should feel. We want a baby... something that my husband and I created, together. A little bit of him and a little bit of me, in a little person whom we created from this wonderful love we have with eachother...
I'm just a little lost right now, as I'm sure everyone can understand. we appreciate every single prayer that's being sent up to heaven for our baby today. we also cant say enough about how much it's meant to my husband, my daughter and I that all of our friends and family have been there for us, and praying for us through this pregnancy and our loss.
I don't know who will read this, but i needed to say it... in some way. Thank you Johnathan for giving me the courage...
what a birthday week................ :(
" A person is a person, no matter how small..." -Dr.Suess
karly
